May. 18th, 2015

sandmansister: (Speak)
Doing a lot of pondering lately about What the Hell I'm Doing. How am I spending my time and energy? Turns out, both are finite and the older I get the more apparent it becomes. I need more time to recover from most of my Doin' and I start to wonder why. It's not a bad thing, but certainly not comfortable.

Of course, the Doing Something About What I Learn part is more tricksy. I'm not unique in that; it's a by-product of being human. BLAH. But here we are.

I've worked to get back some mental/emotional resilience since cancer and cancer-related malfeasance. That's Step One. Step Two is figuring out how to avoid pitfalls of The Way I've Always Done Things. And part of that is taking an honest look at Who I Am, What I Want.

Jesus, I am tired of myself. I'm just... tired.

I want and need to make music. I love singing a cappella. But is Faire the best place for me to do that? I am dubious, as it costs me quite a lot in other ways. But it's comfortable and that makes it easy... which probably means it's the wrong choice. Also, you can't take in new things unless there's a void. Scary, but true.

And while I've always liked Going Out and Doing Stuff, I am less and less willing to interact with the General Public these days. Part of me turning into Hallmark's Maxine, I suppose. I just can't stand People. I have such little tolerance for their small minds and self-absorbed ways. Fucking cattle.

Part of me rebels at the idea of "slowing down," but that's an idea. My life shouldn't be held hostage to some construct in my stupid brain. Besides, if I'd really rather be at home reading a book or puttering in my garden or organizing my spice rack then WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

So... yeah.

It all comes down to authenticity. Happiness is overrated. It doesn't make us better people (it's often used more like a drug, anyway), and it's ultimately transitory like every other damn thing in this world. Everything changes, good or bad. And yet we humans manage to be surprised and disappointed by this fact again and again. Sheesh. So better to focus on being authentic to one's core than on any emotional state.

I know there are things I want to change. Need to find my way to a Princess Bride/Westley frame of mind where I do things then say, "Good job, self. Nice work. I'll most likely quit in the morning." I'm feeling like a fraud and a phony but I have to keep the Feelings Aren't Facts mantra going. How do I feel? Who cares?! Am I authentic? That's the stuff.

But I've always been prone to living too much in my head, planning things and pondering. It's cute and all, but not that useful. I guess what it really boils down to is meditation. Even just a little, but consistently so I can touch that core and tune out voices and focus on authentic, especially when it's uncomfortable. Lean in to those bits.

There will always be a million valid reasons not to, but if I want to be authentic and find some small measure of satisfaction in this life then it's hardly optional.

May 2015

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