sandmansister: (Speak)
Doing a lot of pondering lately about What the Hell I'm Doing. How am I spending my time and energy? Turns out, both are finite and the older I get the more apparent it becomes. I need more time to recover from most of my Doin' and I start to wonder why. It's not a bad thing, but certainly not comfortable.

Of course, the Doing Something About What I Learn part is more tricksy. I'm not unique in that; it's a by-product of being human. BLAH. But here we are.

I've worked to get back some mental/emotional resilience since cancer and cancer-related malfeasance. That's Step One. Step Two is figuring out how to avoid pitfalls of The Way I've Always Done Things. And part of that is taking an honest look at Who I Am, What I Want.

Jesus, I am tired of myself. I'm just... tired.

I want and need to make music. I love singing a cappella. But is Faire the best place for me to do that? I am dubious, as it costs me quite a lot in other ways. But it's comfortable and that makes it easy... which probably means it's the wrong choice. Also, you can't take in new things unless there's a void. Scary, but true.

And while I've always liked Going Out and Doing Stuff, I am less and less willing to interact with the General Public these days. Part of me turning into Hallmark's Maxine, I suppose. I just can't stand People. I have such little tolerance for their small minds and self-absorbed ways. Fucking cattle.

Part of me rebels at the idea of "slowing down," but that's an idea. My life shouldn't be held hostage to some construct in my stupid brain. Besides, if I'd really rather be at home reading a book or puttering in my garden or organizing my spice rack then WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

So... yeah.

It all comes down to authenticity. Happiness is overrated. It doesn't make us better people (it's often used more like a drug, anyway), and it's ultimately transitory like every other damn thing in this world. Everything changes, good or bad. And yet we humans manage to be surprised and disappointed by this fact again and again. Sheesh. So better to focus on being authentic to one's core than on any emotional state.

I know there are things I want to change. Need to find my way to a Princess Bride/Westley frame of mind where I do things then say, "Good job, self. Nice work. I'll most likely quit in the morning." I'm feeling like a fraud and a phony but I have to keep the Feelings Aren't Facts mantra going. How do I feel? Who cares?! Am I authentic? That's the stuff.

But I've always been prone to living too much in my head, planning things and pondering. It's cute and all, but not that useful. I guess what it really boils down to is meditation. Even just a little, but consistently so I can touch that core and tune out voices and focus on authentic, especially when it's uncomfortable. Lean in to those bits.

There will always be a million valid reasons not to, but if I want to be authentic and find some small measure of satisfaction in this life then it's hardly optional.
sandmansister: (Cat - bliss)
A friend asked for happy-making things, and of course, being the ginormous schmoob that I am, I thought first of [livejournal.com profile] arbiter_of_cool. I shared:

I am learning in practice (and not just that abstract mental way) that I can lean on my boy. I'm used to being the supporter, not the supported. I can do this with friends, but I have never had a love be at least as strong as I am.

It's scary, but I am learning and as I do, my love grows more vast. I am finding the strength in vulnerability.


I've been a little off-kilter lately, you see—nothing earth shattering just yet—and I realized that it didn't even occur to me to lean. I could share the happy things or provide my ample Teutonic shoulder strength, sure... but I didn't even think about sharing something really (at the time) scary & bothersome. Not like I didn't think he could handle it... it just didn't dawn on me. Then when I did consider it (with a shove from [livejournal.com profile] buffalobills 'cuz she's just good like that), I got scared. What if he thought less of me? ("I don't see how we could!" Sorry... Lace non-sequiteur.) Plus, he's nearing the end of a really long, mentally taxing educational experience. What business do I have adding to his burdens? It's my mess, and I should be the one to clean it up. Any residual ugliness? Consequences I must pay, plain and simple.

But when it came right down to it, I was being selfish. My stress made me distracted and less than present in our precious moments together. We're a team, and it's not up to just me to decide what's best for us both.

What a refreshing thing to take a leap of faith... and land firmly in the protective arms of someone you love.

I know this is rudimentary stuff—and how sad that I'm in the downhill slide to 40 and just now getting this!—but it's pretty revelatory for me.

Reminds me of a quote I got in an email from The Universe:
"To love like you've never been loved before, you must love like you've never loved before."


Travis, you are my Sun, Moon, and Stars. I love you. Thank you for being patient with me.
sandmansister: (Cat - bliss)
A friend asked for happy-making things, and of course, being the ginormous schmoob that I am, I thought first of [livejournal.com profile] arbiter_of_cool. I shared:

I am learning in practice (and not just that abstract mental way) that I can lean on my boy. I'm used to being the supporter, not the supported. I can do this with friends, but I have never had a love be at least as strong as I am.

It's scary, but I am learning and as I do, my love grows more vast. I am finding the strength in vulnerability.


I've been a little off-kilter lately, you see—nothing earth shattering just yet—and I realized that it didn't even occur to me to lean. I could share the happy things or provide my ample Teutonic shoulder strength, sure... but I didn't even think about sharing something really (at the time) scary & bothersome. Not like I didn't think he could handle it... it just didn't dawn on me. Then when I did consider it (with a shove from [livejournal.com profile] buffalobills 'cuz she's just good like that), I got scared. What if he thought less of me? ("I don't see how we could!" Sorry... Lace non-sequiteur.) Plus, he's nearing the end of a really long, mentally taxing educational experience. What business do I have adding to his burdens? It's my mess, and I should be the one to clean it up. Any residual ugliness? Consequences I must pay, plain and simple.

But when it came right down to it, I was being selfish. My stress made me distracted and less than present in our precious moments together. We're a team, and it's not up to just me to decide what's best for us both.

What a refreshing thing to take a leap of faith... and land firmly in the protective arms of someone you love.

I know this is rudimentary stuff—and how sad that I'm in the downhill slide to 40 and just now getting this!—but it's pretty revelatory for me.

Reminds me of a quote I got in an email from The Universe:
"To love like you've never been loved before, you must love like you've never loved before."


Travis, you are my Sun, Moon, and Stars. I love you. Thank you for being patient with me.
sandmansister: (Cat - bliss)
A friend asked for happy-making things, and of course, being the ginormous schmoob that I am, I thought first of [livejournal.com profile] arbiter_of_cool. I shared:

I am learning in practice (and not just that abstract mental way) that I can lean on my boy. I'm used to being the supporter, not the supported. I can do this with friends, but I have never had a love be at least as strong as I am.

It's scary, but I am learning and as I do, my love grows more vast. I am finding the strength in vulnerability.


I've been a little off-kilter lately, you see—nothing earth shattering just yet—and I realized that it didn't even occur to me to lean. I could share the happy things or provide my ample Teutonic shoulder strength, sure... but I didn't even think about sharing something really (at the time) scary & bothersome. Not like I didn't think he could handle it... it just didn't dawn on me. Then when I did consider it (with a shove from [livejournal.com profile] buffalobills 'cuz she's just good like that), I got scared. What if he thought less of me? ("I don't see how we could!" Sorry... Lace non-sequiteur.) Plus, he's nearing the end of a really long, mentally taxing educational experience. What business do I have adding to his burdens? It's my mess, and I should be the one to clean it up. Any residual ugliness? Consequences I must pay, plain and simple.

But when it came right down to it, I was being selfish. My stress made me distracted and less than present in our precious moments together. We're a team, and it's not up to just me to decide what's best for us both.

What a refreshing thing to take a leap of faith... and land firmly in the protective arms of someone you love.

I know this is rudimentary stuff—and how sad that I'm in the downhill slide to 40 and just now getting this!—but it's pretty revelatory for me.

Reminds me of a quote I got in an email from The Universe:
"To love like you've never been loved before, you must love like you've never loved before."


Travis, you are my Sun, Moon, and Stars. I love you. Thank you for being patient with me.
sandmansister: (Cat - bliss)
A friend asked for happy-making things, and of course, being the ginormous schmoob that I am, I thought first of [livejournal.com profile] arbiter_of_cool. I shared:

I am learning in practice (and not just that abstract mental way) that I can lean on my boy. I'm used to being the supporter, not the supported. I can do this with friends, but I have never had a love be at least as strong as I am.

It's scary, but I am learning and as I do, my love grows more vast. I am finding the strength in vulnerability.


I've been a little off-kilter lately, you see—nothing earth shattering just yet—and I realized that it didn't even occur to me to lean. I could share the happy things or provide my ample Teutonic shoulder strength, sure... but I didn't even think about sharing something really (at the time) scary & bothersome. Not like I didn't think he could handle it... it just didn't dawn on me. Then when I did consider it (with a shove from [livejournal.com profile] buffalobills 'cuz she's just good like that), I got scared. What if he thought less of me? ("I don't see how we could!" Sorry... Lace non-sequiteur.) Plus, he's nearing the end of a really long, mentally taxing educational experience. What business do I have adding to his burdens? It's my mess, and I should be the one to clean it up. Any residual ugliness? Consequences I must pay, plain and simple.

But when it came right down to it, I was being selfish. My stress made me distracted and less than present in our precious moments together. We're a team, and it's not up to just me to decide what's best for us both.

What a refreshing thing to take a leap of faith... and land firmly in the protective arms of someone you love.

I know this is rudimentary stuff—and how sad that I'm in the downhill slide to 40 and just now getting this!—but it's pretty revelatory for me.

Reminds me of a quote I got in an email from The Universe:
"To love like you've never been loved before, you must love like you've never loved before."


Travis, you are my Sun, Moon, and Stars. I love you. Thank you for being patient with me.

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