What's Going On?

[sandmansister]

Doing a lot of pondering lately about What the Hell I'm Doing. How am I spending my time and energy? Turns out, both are finite and the older I get the more apparent it becomes. I need more time to recover from most of my Doin' and I start to wonder why. It's not a bad thing, but certainly not comfortable.

Of course, the Doing Something About What I Learn part is more tricksy. I'm not unique in that; it's a by-product of being human. BLAH. But here we are.

I've worked to get back some mental/emotional resilience since cancer and cancer-related malfeasance. That's Step One. Step Two is figuring out how to avoid pitfalls of The Way I've Always Done Things. And part of that is taking an honest look at Who I Am, What I Want.

Jesus, I am tired of myself. I'm just... tired.

I want and need to make music. I love singing a cappella. But is Faire the best place for me to do that? I am dubious, as it costs me quite a lot in other ways. But it's comfortable and that makes it easy... which probably means it's the wrong choice. Also, you can't take in new things unless there's a void. Scary, but true.

And while I've always liked Going Out and Doing Stuff, I am less and less willing to interact with the General Public these days. Part of me turning into Hallmark's Maxine, I suppose. I just can't stand People. I have such little tolerance for their small minds and self-absorbed ways. Fucking cattle.

Part of me rebels at the idea of "slowing down," but that's an idea. My life shouldn't be held hostage to some construct in my stupid brain. Besides, if I'd really rather be at home reading a book or puttering in my garden or organizing my spice rack then WHO THE FUCK CARES?!

So... yeah.

It all comes down to authenticity. Happiness is overrated. It doesn't make us better people (it's often used more like a drug, anyway), and it's ultimately transitory like every other damn thing in this world. Everything changes, good or bad. And yet we humans manage to be surprised and disappointed by this fact again and again. Sheesh. So better to focus on being authentic to one's core than on any emotional state.

I know there are things I want to change. Need to find my way to a Princess Bride/Westley frame of mind where I do things then say, "Good job, self. Nice work. I'll most likely quit in the morning." I'm feeling like a fraud and a phony but I have to keep the Feelings Aren't Facts mantra going. How do I feel? Who cares?! Am I authentic? That's the stuff.

But I've always been prone to living too much in my head, planning things and pondering. It's cute and all, but not that useful. I guess what it really boils down to is meditation. Even just a little, but consistently so I can touch that core and tune out voices and focus on authentic, especially when it's uncomfortable. Lean in to those bits.

There will always be a million valid reasons not to, but if I want to be authentic and find some small measure of satisfaction in this life then it's hardly optional.

Comments

[txreisende.livejournal.com]

I've got no wisdom to offer, being very much in a chrysalis state myself. My world is small and intensely centered on the hearth just now, and will be for several years yet, I think. That being said, I am coming to have a strong appreciation for the notion of life stages, and fully inhabiting the one I'm in. Trying hard to remember, in a paraphrase of Yoda, not to have my mind always on the future, to actually live where I am. There is always a certain amount of past-analysis/retconning, and more future planning/daydreaming than there should be, but I find the most peace and the least dissonance when I can relax into the firm knowledge that this is where I am right now..that this stage won't last forever, or even really that long. It's okay to just be this, just be this version of me, right now. That is what your thoughts on authenticity pulled out for me, at any rate - I'm not quite sure if that's what you meant by them, but it provided some good food for reflection over here, for which I thank you.
I understand the dichotomy of the need to perform/need to break free...it's odd how the faire can be life-raft, noose, and playpen, sometimes all at once. I miss knowing more about what's going on with the essential Amy...and hope you share more in this venue as you continue noodling on where you want to go.

Love you.

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

As a partial non-sequitur, I met the actual woman who was the model for Hallmark's Maxine. I am also the artist who created the first 3D Maxines for Hallmark, back in the 90's. Strange, huh? The person Maxine was modeled after is the artist's great Aunt. I met her at a wedding for which I did the dresses, and knew this because the mother of the bride came over to me and went, "Psssst, that's the real life Maxine!" But I discovered the fact of her identity while I was making 5' Maxine figures out of pvc frames with fabric bodies over them, stuffed with foam and dressed with findings from thrift stores that my mother shopped for.

She was much more nicely dressed than her great nephew drew her but then, it was a family wedding. Observing her at the reception, I had a better understanding of the cartoon her.

I keep saying my life is stranger than fiction.

Self-examination is a good thing but it ain't always easy. And getting older isn't easy either but it surely beats the alternative.